Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
