Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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