Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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