there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
