my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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