guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
