Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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