She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
