the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
