I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize