i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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