just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
