2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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