Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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