I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
