I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
