he told me I talked like a deaf person
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
