My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize