The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
