It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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