I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
