At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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