hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
