I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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