I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
