Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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