new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
