mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
