Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
