i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
