My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
