I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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