Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
