What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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