I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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