There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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