dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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