Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just gift wrapped bread.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
