i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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