my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize