please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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