We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize