I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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