Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
