i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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