i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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