Duck Duck Cougar?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
