I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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