I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
not ubering you a puppy
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
