I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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