Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
