I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
