Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Is it because I queefed?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
