I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
