well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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