I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
