Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
