Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
