Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
