im six kinds of drunk right now
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
