I hate all girls vehemently.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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